Russian jokes about US elections

[ILay]

Well seems that US elections are in deed effecting Russia if people here begin to tell anecdotes about it. Of course the jokes lose a lot after translation (like GB foreign office stated about the joke of Mr. Putin during his metting with T. Blair) but this BB is still called Russia.com isn't it?

So, enjoy!
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Due to the problematic situation with the USA Presidential elections americans requested help from Russian Central Elections Comission. Alexander Veshniyakov (head of CEC) flew to USA and now the new data is received. The leader of the election with 71% votes is Vladimir Putin.

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G.B. Junior might become the first US President in a decades who's got the minority of citizens voting for him. If someone will tell you this is because of the respect America has for its constitution - don't trust it. This is because the respect America has for its minorities.

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TV show 'Polye Chudes' (popular tv game in Russia there participants have to guess the words character by character) in USA. The question is:"last name of the new USA President. 4 characters. 100.000 of Florida inhabitants are still guessing.

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News from USA.
New ammendment to the Constitution is done. Now by the words 'US Presidency Candidate' national hymn should be sounding, every citizen should stand up and cry.

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Ad in the magazine:
professional astrologyst predicts the name of the future USA president by the arrangement of the candidate names in the Florida electoral bulletIns.


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According to Alexander Veshnyakov, presidential elections in USA once again prooved insufficiency of the sustem, which allows voting for more than one candidate.

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Whoever wins the elections in America, the capital of USA will be moved to Miami.

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Grandchildren of W. Clinton are asking him:
- Grandpa, who won the elections in 2000?
- Nobody knows. They are still counting

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What is in common between Windows 95 and US elections?
First it slows down, than hangs, than crashes.

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and the last one in Russian:

republicans are saying:
pobeda ne za GORami, my esche poBUSHuem!




[This message has been edited by ILay (edited 24 November 2000).]

[ILay]

Yes btw sorry for a poor translation.

Most jokes were taken from www.anekdot.ru

[Dr_Woland]

>> pobeda ne za GORami, my esche poBUSHuem! <<

zdorovo :-)

Neil

[Mission010]

I ask if I may take the jokes away from Russia for one minute, and turn my attention to Great Britain. I would not normally ever turn the attention away from Russia, but I think Dr. W would like this one if he has not heard it yet...


In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using
the
same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up
"interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will
no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Dr_Woland]

Thanks for that one, I'd seen a less good version of it earlier, but your one is funnier :-)

Dr W.

[Ronald_Barbour]

Dear Mission010:

Did you hear about the change in name for the new Disney movie "102 Dalmations?" In South Florida, after a recount, the movie was retitled "97 Dalmations."

Sincerely, Ronbo

[Dr_Woland]

Did you hear about the film about how the WW2 Allies captured the German "Enigma" coding-machine, and used it to crack all top-secret messages from Berlin to the Front, thus helping end the war much more rapidly?

In the new version, it says the Americans did this single-handedly.

And the joke is? <scroll down>
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It was the Brits who found the machine, and cracked the code. American involvement = nil. But in the movie, it's Good Ole Boys like RonBo who do it.

Dr W.