What would you do if you would discover some things about your husband ?

[Sashenka]

Good evening!
I trust you,people.You know why,because you are here and at the same time I don't know who you are.Therefore,it's easy
for me to tell you how crushed I am right now...I don't really know what to do and how to leave my life from now on.
I would appriciate your help.
It is so unlike me to talk about personal things but right now I don't feel I have any other choice.I don't know where to go.Well.I got married last March.My husband is 40 years
old and I thought we have a great relationship.We started dating in the beginning of September.I knew that he broke up with his ex five month before we got together.I never met her and I really didn't care,thinking that it is all in the past.After one month of marriege I found out that they
still e-mailed to each other.And it wasn't just friendly e-mails but ,somehow,more than friendly and it was A LOT OF THEM.I don't remember what I felt but I remember such a
pain-I don't have enough words to describe it...It hurt me
more than anything.Somehow I found strength to move on and
my husband promissed me that it will never happened again .
It was at the end of April...Today in the evening I was helping my husband in his office with his papers and I found
one more letter(not e-mail)but letter dated May25,2001...
I didn't tell anything to my husband yet.Why it is happening
to me?I did nothing but loved this men.Help me,please.

[Nonson]

Shasenka,

Are you sure that your husband is having an affair with his ex? A lot of things can be said in e-mails and letters that have no basis in reality. or maybe he has an obsession with her and needs help getting over it. What I'm saying is that there might be any number of reasons why he is still involved with her. You really ought to get more information before taking drastic action, or having an emotional break-down. Try to think it through in a cool and calm manner.


Nonson

[Sashenka]

Good morning!
And thank you for responding so fast.I am desporatly trying to figure out why it happened and how should I react.But tere is a little bit more to the story.From my understanding
and from what I lerned step by step my husband and his ex
had a 2,5 year relationship.She was extremly difficult to deal with:snobish,demanding,cold and selfish.When my husband started dating her she was 35.More to it she was a
vergin and it happened so that my husband became the first
man she was ever with.Somehow after the first time being together intimatly she lost a lot of blood and had to go to the hospital.Ever since than my husband felt GUILT.He felt
it was his falt and that he has to take full responsebility
and marry her.So thay stayed together for the next two years
on and off.She always new how to press his buttons in that
sence:making him feel guilty.Finally,they broke up and because of it he still felt uncomfortoble to let her down
all at once.That is where all e-mails came from.And maybe
I have to be understanding about the whole situation and even supportive but,please,tell me why should I deal with
my husband's past?And how can I forgive my husband for the fact that even knowing how badly I was hurt he choose to consider her feelings over mine?

[Nonson]

Sashenka,

Part of the answer lies in your post. Why should you have to deal with your husband's past? Because it is a two way street. He has to deal with your past in the same manner that you need to deal with his. The best way to do it is not to get emotional and fight over it, but to talk it out. Try to reach some sort of mutual understanding and accomodation of each other's faults.


Nonson

[benCA]

I like Nonson's answer.

I remember that in one of your previous posts you mentioned how your husband is volunteering to help you to get your son from Russia, or something like that. He is defiantly involved in your past, I think its only fair if you try to work it out with him about his past. It sounds like you read his emails and the letter. I would act based on what was said in those emails and the letter and then talk to him about it.

[Sashenka]

Thank you again for trying to help.Maybe you are right.The
only difference is I didn't hide my past from my husband,I was completely honest,he new from the very begining that I had a daughter.About his past I found out in the most unpleasent way.I don't think it's right when the person you love dumps on you something like this and expects you to be kind and supportive.How can I trust this person again?

[Nonson]

Sashenka,

If your marriage was based solely on a trust of each other then your husband apparently betrayed that trust. Too, if the marriage was based on an agreement that neither of you would have anything to do with certain people out of your past then the agreement was violated. But if the marriage was based on love, then there are many other considerations. You have not mentioned any of them. Do you really love the man, and does he really love you?


Nonson